Don’t you believe it. The judge grants a divorce, not your spouse.
The divorce can be contested, and if so, you will have a hearing set with a judge, in which each of you testify and then the judge decides how to finalize the dissolution. If the divorce is not contested, you can be divorced in ninety days in many states. I don’t advise this. It takes several months to adjust to the emotional and financial changes coming from the divorce. This could be the biggest financial decision of your life and you best not be rushed.
I encourage you to go to the local library, bookstore, divorce sites on the Internet, and your state government website to learn more about divorce in your state.
Too many times I have seen women so traumatized in their marriage that they live in constant fear. These women are kept in isolation. Oftentimes they are economically and sexually in bondage and abusive marriages. You might think I am describing a divorce where there is poverty. Absolutely not! I meet and receive letters from doctor’s wives, corporate wives, school teachers, and plumbers all the time telling me their marriage story and the difficulties they encounter trying to get out of their marriages. If this situation fits you, write to me and I will give you some suggestions on how to regain your personal and financial power.
Mary came to see me after a close friend from her college days insisted that she seek help. After finding me on the Internet, she secretly purchased my book Fair Share Divorce for Women . Mary was depressed, nervous, and in denial during our initial half hour. Then we started talking about her two children. Her 7 and 10 year old sons were starting to act out in school. The 10 year old was a bed wetter, had anger management issues, and was constantly tormenting his younger brother. The 10 year old was large for his age and had started to become physical with her. Mary’s life was out of control with her children, herself, and her husband John. He regularly came home late after drinking with his work associates. The verbal abuse and shouting would escalate until she was in tears. You might think Mary was married to a truckdriver. No, she was married to a hedge fund manager.
Mary had money to spend if she used her credit card, but never more than $50/week in cash. ALL her expenses were monitored. John was generous buying toys and gifts for the children and himself. John paid all the bills and they were sent to his office so she never saw a statement. She really had no idea of their net worth. They lived in a lovely suburban home - her prison.
After an especially bad fight, John would contritely come to Mary asking for forgiveness and buy her a gift. Once he bought her a BMW and another time diamond earrings. They had moved 4 times during their 10 year marriage and Mary had not developed many friendships. She was not socially active other than an occasional business trip with John. They were now living near John’s family, and Mary was not close to either of his parents. She did not see her family very often. John did not like her to spend time with them or talk with her sister and brother. Over time, Mary had found it easier to be distant from them. She was ashamed, sad, and isolated. More than once she had considered ending her life.
Mary decided to seek help - this was the beginning for her. Over the next three months I helped Mary to build a divorce team to take her through the divorce process. She started seeing a therapist. I had her meet with an attorney. Mary borrowed money from her parents to cover the initial costs of hiring an attorney and financial planner.
When Mary filed for divorce she simultaneously filed restraining orders and a request for temporary maintenance and child support. Mary initially did not have the financial records to prepare a detailed financial affidavit so we created a request for temporary support that included the personal expenses for her and the children. John (her spouse) was required to leave the house and continue to pay the home expenses, medical coverage for Mary and the children, and the children’s expenses. John was angry, however, Mary had her college friend stay with her for 2 weeks until John was out of the house and the finances were handled on a temporary basis.
By the time Mary filed for divorce, she was organized and beginning to take control of her life again. I wrote my latest book to help people like Mary who decide to seek help in empowering themselves around money and their relationships.