Does this term sound familiar? You are a mother of two young children and he says he wants a divorce after your 12 year marriage. He is jealous of your success and angry that you spend too much time at work and travel too often. Meanwhile, you are frustrated that he hasn’t been able to stay employed the last 6 years and the family has to rely on your income for the primary support.
The female breadwinner is also called the alpha earner. An alpha earner is a wife who earns at least 60 percent or more of the household income for the family. She has the dominant career. Oftentimes, the marriage didn’t start out this way. He has become the stay-at-home Dad, taking care of the family responsibilities and working part time in a lower paying job.
This trend is likely to continue. Gender-based value systems are dynamic. What worked for our grandparents doesn’t necessarily work for us or our children. Young women today would be well advised to invest in their own career development and to maintain their skills. It is clear from looking at the statistics that women are likely to be single or divorced for significant periods of time in their lives.
The alpha earner can have the same challenges as the upwardly mobile male in the corporate world. She may need a “corporate husband” at home if there are children. If the marriage ends in divorce, this stay-at-home Dad easily translates into the “economically disadvantaged spouse.” Now the woman can expect to pay child support and alimony (maintenance) and have at a minimum, shared custody of the children. I have seen both men and women trapped in these roles. The man would like to return to an active career, but can’t find work. This can lower his self-esteem and her respect for him. Meanwhile, the woman wants to spend more time with the children and have a less stressful job. I have always said that whether you are male or female - if you are successful in the workplace earning a high salary, you will pay the price up front and by putting in your time away from your family (often that means many more than 40 hours/week).
The stay at home Dad can be an emotional and financial minefield for both spouses. I suggest seeking financial and career counseling, and most importantly, keep talking to each other. Redefine who does what in the home and for how long.
If you are either the alpha earner or the economically disadvantaged spouse going through a divorce, the book Fair Share Divorce for Women, Second Edition, offers divorce strategies to help determine the best way to divide assets and income.